Machamp Loses His Virginity to an Alicorn OC
by Tihsenoton
Summary: Machamp, after being eventually and conveniently summoned into Equestria, soon finds himself challenging the most generic and retarded of all Alicorn OC's.
1. Shit Begins

A pillar of magic erupted from a house in Ponyville. It shot towards the heavens, piercing the very fabric of the afternoon skies, and storm clouds brewed. The wind kicked up as many townsfolk peered up to the mass descending from the sky.

A wild Alicorn OC appeared.

"Blackie's back, in black... and red!" the creature shouted, the Billy Mays decibels boomed his voice across Equestria.

Blackie-yeah that's the OC's name-soared down from the sky, using his OP magic against the nearly-defenseless town of Ponyville. He shot icicles from his broken-yet-fully-functional horn and froze the streets solid with his fire magic. Blackie soon skated across the ice he had baked up, shouting "Let it go!" and materialized a hockey stick from literally nowhere. Using it, he smacked around the pony-pucks that were franticly skittering about on the icy slabs that were once their roads.

He moved towards the marketplace, using the stick to knock the ponies around into the stands like a game of Pony Pinball. All the while he'd shoot flames up, and they'd return to the ground as snowflakes.

"B-but, I reckon that's not even possible!" a pony yelled in confused panic.

"What did you say Nigga?!" Blackie impersonated in anger.

The pony gulped as Blackie soon materialized a baseball bat. He charged up his strike and hit the pony so far, it broke his Home Run Contest record from Melee. Blackie smirked and squinted, watching the pony fly off towards Canterlot. The figure of his victim shrunk to the size of a dot, then to nothing.

Then suddenly, one of the towers in Canterlot leaned a little-then fell over completely. One could see a massive debris cloud in the distance.

"Pfft-ahahaha!" he burst out laughing, "happy trails, _pardner_!"

Thinking of the atrocity he'd just made, he snorted obnoxiously.

"Y-you! Do you have any concern for anypony's safety, you monster!" a mare barked whilst stumbling, trying her hardest to stand up on the slippery ice.

"Oh, I'm concerned... but not really," Blackie added, charging up a spell from his non-existent horn.

He lowered his head in the direction of the mare, watching her cower and fall with all forelegs outstretched. A flamethrower erupted from the hole of his shattered horn, consuming her in red fire. When he stopped, she was nothing more than a solid statue of ice. Blackie then levitated the frozen pony, snapping her off from the ice she was already laying on, and tossed her like a ninja star through a row of cottages. Each time she'd smash through a house, the crit sound effect from Team Fortress 2 would play. Above each house, it displayed his damage: 999.

"Damn," he muttered to himself, "I should've enabled my Limit Breaker..."

Blackie then flew off towards town hall, with the intention of making a throne there. In a short while, the remaining Mane Six gathered at Twilight's library. Obviously, it was before Tirek went ape-shit and rekt it.

"Alright, girls," Twilight stated, "let's-um... where's the rest of our friends?"

"Well..." Rainbow Dash began, "Pinkie got frozen playing on the ice, Fluttershy locked herself in her cottage, and I don't know _where_ Applejack is!"

Twilight's face grew grim at the news. She turned to Rarity, who was the only other pony besides Rainbow Dash to show up.

"Rarity, do you have any idea where Applejack might be?" Twilight asked, the concern in her tone apparent.

"Sorry Twilight, dear, I haven't seen her at all since that _ruffian_ showed up..." Rarity replied.

Twilight looked down, worried for her friend's safety. Rarity walked up to her, placing a hoof on her side to comfort her. During this, Rainbow hovered up to a window for a better view outside.

"I'm sure Applejack is doing just fine," Rarity assured Twilight, "she's probably home with the rest of her family."

"Sorry to interrupt, but we do have an evil pony to deal with," Rainbow Dash said bluntly, peering over her shoulder at the two.

Rarity looked back at her, "Rainbow Dash, that is quite rude of-"

"No, we need to do something about him right away," Twilight added, "maybe we could reason with him? Hmm, we could approach peacefully and-"

"We don't have _time_ to reason, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash cut in, "If you haven't noticed, he _froze_ half of Ponyville, it's a complete disaster out there!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Rainbow Dash," Rarity said hesitantly, "he _did_ freeze our town, not to mention Pinkie... Besides, have you _seen_ his coat colors? It's simply appalling, I tell you!"

Both ponies raised their eyebrows at Rarity's last comments. Realizing her own implications to pony racism, she nervously coughed.

"Oh, forget everything I said...!" Rarity murmured.

"Right, then... I'm going to go find Spike," Twilight continued, "I need to write a few letters to the Princess, she's bound to know a solution for this."

The purple unicorn trotted quickly upstairs, levitating a few rolls of blank parchment and an inked quill behind her. Rarity began pacing around, trying to find an activity to do while she waited. A flash of blue light rattled both of the remaining ponies, accompanied with a thundering sound, and they looked at each other for a brief moment. Rainbow Dash gazed back out the window to see whatever caused the bright light.

"He's at town hall!" she said, astonished by the lightshow of OP magic emanating from the structure.

She watched as the entire roof of the building collapsed in icy flames. Many of the ponies who had taken refuge there were thrown out from the gaping hole at the top. As they were flung away, a deep voice quaked across the town.

"No, no, no! Not in my house, Hahahaha!" it exclaimed.

"That's it, I'm not waiting any longer, somepony needs to end this _now_!" Rainbow Dash blurted out.

She reared up, preparing to barge out the door. Rarity quickly blocked her path, much to the dismay of the cyan Pegasus.

"Where in Equestria do you think you're going!?" Rarity demanded.

"Well, I don't know, to stop that guy from destroying any _more_ of Ponyville than he already has!" she defended.

"What if Twilight and I need you when the Princess replies?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and motioned closer to the door, attempting to pass Rarity.

" _Pfft_ , I can handle this myself," she bragged.

Rarity, nudging her back, tried to respond, "But-"

" _Relax_! I'll be back shortly," she continued, "it's not like I _can't_ take him on."

"On the contrary..." Rarity whispered under her breath.

Eventually, Rarity stood aside. Rainbow Dash nodded in silent acknowledgement then hurried by. The sky was stormy outside, full of flaming ice-thunder as well as the occasional pony ninja star crit-ing through the nearby homes. She grits her teeth, and then spread her wings to quickly take flight.

"You're going down, whoever you are!" she proclaimed.

In that instant, Rainbow Dash immediately got struck by a bolt of lightning. It encased her in ice that soon fell to the ground, revealing she'd only moved about a yard from the library.

"Nope, I think not," the loud and horribly inconsistent voice of Blackie boomed.

Rarity couldn't help but face-hoof at the event. She grabbed Rainbow Dash with her magic and began dragging her back inside. She trailed across the patches of unfrozen dirt as Rarity struggled to bring her indoors. Finally, the white Unicorn was able to pull her friend to relative un-safety. The icy Pegasus tipped over onto her side, the determination still present on her face.

"Rarity, Rainbow Dash, I've received a message back from the Pri-" Twilight approached, halfway downstairs before noticing the Pony-Popsicle lying on her library floor.

"Sorry, Twilight, I insisted that she not go, but she was so content on facing that _beast_ herself..."

Twilight let out a long groan in response.

"I guess _I'll_ fix this," she spat, charging magic atop her horn, "stand back Rarity, this should only take a second."

Twilight shot a beam of pure magic at Rainbow Dash, the energy and heat beginning to thaw her out. The ice evaporated directly into steam, warming the air whilst drifting away out an opened window... where it condensed back into water, then froze on the ground... SCIENCE! Once released from her icy fate, Rainbow Dash scurried around on the floor recovering her bearings.

"Ugh... w-what happened?" Rainbow Dash mumbled.

"What _happened_ is that you-!"

"You got rekt, mate!" Blackie's voice taunted across the skies, "I _had_ to cool off your hot-head! Have a nice afternoon, good sir!"

Rainbow Dash growled, not like a dog, and was prepared to spring out the door again.

She did... and got immediately frozen again...

After a few more minutes of exactly the same thing as before, minus the bad puns and noobish internet insulting skills, Rainbow Dash sprawled out of the ice... again.

"That little...!" Rainbow Dash yelled, revving her body up to head outside... again.

"No, no, no, we are _not_ doing _that_ a third time!" Twilight broke out, holding Rainbow's tail with her magic.

"Fine, whatever I guess..." she yielded, visibly annoyed," What did Celestia have to say anyway, huh?"

"Princess Celestia mentioned that such a pony is not even of this world," Twilight explained, "and that the only solution would be to use a power from... something not of this world..."

"Hold on, Twilight, why doesn't Princess Celestia help us out herself?" Rainbow Dash pointed out, "You're telling us that she can't do _anything_!?"

"She's busy tending the damages in Canterlot, Rainbow Dash, and she knows that we'll figure a way to stop him ourselves," Twilight decreed before studying the letter again, "now, a power not of this world, hmm."

Her confidence in Celestia's solution was clearly visible, yet somehow in the words she had repeated, that began to falter.

"Uh, okay... what now?" A bewildered Rainbow Dash asked.

"Well, the Princess also revealed a location where such a power could be found," Twilight added.

"And where would _that_ be, huh?"

"She said it was at... Hayburger... I know, it's odd, but I'm sure she knows what she's talking about."

"Darling," Rarity entered in, "that sounds... awfully contrived..."

Twilight walked over to the window, which had been mentioned countless times before, and peered out at the town. Her eyes scanned the icy landscape in search for the restaurant. She could make out a sign some ways away, and then concluded her find. She gestured to her friends, pointing the directions to the point-of-interest.

"How are we supposed to get there?" Rainbow Dash asked, "The ground is pretty much still frozen... I mean _I_ could go, but last time-"

" _Times_!" Twilight corrected.

"Alright, the last _times_ I was frozen!"

"Don't worry, I'll just thaw the ice as we walk," Twilight suggested, "and if it worked on Rainbow Dash, it should work here!"

"Just try not to strain yourself, dear," Rarity responded.

Twilight nodded and began charging up her magic once more. She started to release it slowly on the ground, watching it turn to steam, but it would condense and freeze again after she had ceased.

"We'll need to move quickly," she stated, "ready?"

"I've _been_ ready, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash stated confidently.

With that, the ponies ran along the clear road Twilight had melted for them. Like before, there were bolts of lightning striking at them, though all seemed to just miss them. The closer they got to Hayburger, the more intense the assault became. The sweat on Twilight's forehead trailed off and became a part of the frosty steam forming behind the group.

Finally, the group had made it to the site of Hayburger. The lightning had dwindled, until it disappeared completely. Suddenly, Blackie popped into existence before them. He simply appeared in the sky above them without any indication.

"Gah, freaking Fast-Travel, it took TEN MINUTES to get here-I mean what the actual hell!" Blackie ranted, "On top of that, my auto-attacks all missed because of the retarded AI I've left them with!"

"We're here to put an end to all of this insanity, whatever you are!" Twilight proclaimed, albeit rather loudly, "The power in this spot will be enough to defeat you, once and for all!"

"Orly?" Blackie questioned.

In that instant, Blackie conjured a snowstorm that consumed the restaurant in flames. Hayburger instantly gibbed all over the place, the bloody chunks too low-res to be ponies-or part of the building for that matter. The only thing remaining of Hayburger was ash and bun cinders.

"Looks like you'll need this, my friends," Blackie laughed, tossing a green potion bottle at their hooves.

"What's this?" Twilight asked, her voice becoming slightly weak.

"It's good for treating burns, good sir!"

This time around, Rainbow Dash face-hoofed.

"You _had_ to tell him, didn't you, Twilight...?" Rainbow Dash muttered.

There was the sound of rustling nearby, causing Blackie's maniacal laughter to trail off into a crazed murmur. An arm rose from the ashes of Hayburger, then another... and another... and... another? In unison, they pressed against the burnt soil, which revealed a figure not unlike a bipedal beast. Once unearthed, the creature used its arms to brush away any lingering debris, revealing a teal-ish complexion.

Twilight and her friends couldn't help but stare in confusion. Nopony among them could comprehend the feat of MLG Pro-ness that had bestowed itself upon them with its presence... at a burger joint... Rarity fainted from the pure epicness that had transpired.

"Hey, Twilight," Rainbow Dash whispered, keeping her attention on the creature, "you sure _this_ is what the Princess meant by that power?"

"Uh..." she said with a blank stare, mouth agape, "let's... go with it...?"

The creature grumbled, stumbling around the rubble. Blackie hovered near the scene, watching it as if it were a potential threat. It repeated a word over and over, seemingly trying to form a sentence.

"Bruh..." it coughed, "bro, ugh, is this the new gym or something?"

Twilight hesitantly trotted up to the creature, yet she was eager to learn about it.

"Um, hello?" she greeted, "M-my name's Twilight Sparkle, are you here to help us out?"

"What, brah?" it said, turning to her, "Oh, sweet, walking protein!"

"Aah!" she recoiled.

Rainbow Dash swooped in and bucked it in its chiseled abs. The force was enough to stagger it back, almost depleting its health entirely, sending it in the on-one-knee stance from Skyrim.

"Back off, you... _thing_!" Rainbow Dash barked.

"Huff, you managed to knock me back, brah!" it stumbled, "I respect that, it shows you aren't a scrub-or worse, a dirty little camper!"

"Uh... thanks?" she said.

"The name's Machamp, brah," he continued, "so you're all a bunch of next-gen Pokémon or something? Brah, I'll tell you this, no matter how shitty your design may be, if you've got the stats-!"

"I'mma let you finish," Blackie intervened, "but first you must gtfo, mate!"

"Bruh, you're no Kanye West," Machamp stated, "you'd _better_ not make me enable my hax, bro!"

Their argument went on for a bit as Rainbow Dash and Twilight stood by watching. The two ponies had no words for what bizarreness had been taking place. They took a few paces back, giving the two otherworldly beasts their space.

"Twilight, what is even happening anymore?" Rainbow Dash whispered.

"I have _no_ idea..." she replied, "I wouldn't question it for now, let's just hope this Machamp fellow can save Ponyville..."


	2. Remember the Title? Neither Do I

After half an hour of nonsensical internet-level arguing, Rainbow Dash and Twilight nearly fell asleep. They gave bored expressions to both Machamp and Blackie. They could make out Machamp making an "Objection!" pose, likely making some witty comeback.

"Oh what's wrong, bruh," Machamp said, "you _scared_ to fight me!?"

"Ha!" Blackie scoffed, " _Me_ , afraid of an orange-cocked abomination!?"

"Wh-what!? How did you-"

"X-ray vision, I'm just _that_ OP!"

"Well I'd like to see YOU fap while eating a bag of Cheetos, bruh!"

"I could eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew-all the while fapping to Barney the Dinosaur!"

"You MLG-poser faggot! Bruh, I'mma gonna 360 no-scope smash-your-face-in punch you until your face looks like an Oblivion NPC's! Also-"

Rainbow Dash flew up to Machamp, blocking his mouth with her hoof.

"Not to be mean, but," she stated bluntly, "could you _stop_ with the comebacks and, you know, save Ponyville already!? I've got like a reputation of awesomeness, and there is _no_ way I'm going to lose that, you hear!"

Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a disappoint stare. Even Rarity got up and joined in the stare... before fainting again in the exact same spot...

"Oh, _and_ my friends... hehe..."she sheepishly grinned.

"OH OKAY!" Machamp replied, obnoxiously ear-rape-ing-ly loud.

Machamp quickly grabbed an intact wooden beam from underneath the ash, immediately smacking Blackie in the side of the head with it.

Blackie landed far across the plot of burned land... nearly unconscious.

"That was easy... bruh..." Machamp said, slowly clapping his hands at the result of his work.

Just then, Blackie shot up in the air with the most pissed off and warped face imaginable. It was like somebody spent ten seconds drawing a pony in ... then thought it was a good idea to use the bulge tool afterwards.

"How _dare_ you smack me with your wood!" Blackie yelled, "I'll show you what _real_ mid-afternoon wood looks like!"

In an instant, an entire redwood tree grew from Blackie's crotch. He swung his hips and the hard wood came crashing down on Machamp, cartoonishly planting him halfway in the dirt. Blackie then retracted his redwood back inside his crotch.

"Hah!" he laughed, "You look more like a Diglett than a Machamp to me, m8!"

Machamp cried but a single manly tear that rolled elegantly down his rough face.

"Wait, real men don't cry," Machamp realized.

The watery tear of weakness swiftly retreated back up his cheek, returning to his now-dry tear ducts.

Machamp struggled to free his arms from the hole he was in. He looked up and saw a glowing orb with what appeared to be a plus symbol on it. Blackie raced up to it, trying hard to break it.

"Where did that come from?" Twilight asked aloud.

"I don't know," Rainbow Dash said, flying towards the object, "but if _he_ wants it, then it _has_ to be powerful!"

She intercepted the orb, knocking it away from Blackie's reach. The more she hit it, the farther it would float away in response. A few of Blackie's bolts of lightning and fireballs smacked the orb even farther.

"Can you not, srsly!?" Blackie rambled, "Leave my contrived Deus Ex Machina alone!"

"I have no idea _what_ you're talking about, but this is mine!" Rainbow Dash declared.

Rainbow Dash pushed the object as she struck it repeatedly with her hooves. Frustrated, she began bucking it with her hind legs. She glanced back and saw Blackie trying to break the sound barrier-and failing-attempting to reach her. Rainbow Dash grinned mischievously, keeping near the orb but not striking it.

"Problem?" Blackie trolled.

"Think fast!" she taunted, kicking the orb directly at Blackie's face.

It shattered when it collided, creating an aura around Blackie.

"GG," Blackie laughed.

"So... yeah, uh... bye!" Rainbow Dash awkwardly replied.

She raced back towards Twilight, who was beginning to lift Machamp out of the ground with her magic. Blackie's aura grew more, signifying the power surge throughout his black and red striped body.

"Do you even lift, brah?" Machamp asked.

"Wha-?" Twilight reacted.

"Get down!" Rainbow Dash ordered.

She tackled Twilight, holding her on the ground a little ways away from the charred remains of Hayburger.

"Rainbow Dash! Why did you-!?" Twilight said, cutting off midsentence as she saw Blackie approaching, "Oh, that's not good..."

"You haven't seen anything, yet!" Blackie announced, "Not until you've seen Blackie's _Final Smash_!"

He turned around, and all the lightning in the sky was drawn towards his plot like some sort of anus-lightning rod. Blackie began charging up an attack-one not from his broken horn this time. His chipotle-infused ion ass-cannon was preparing to launch.

"Goodbye, my colorful pones," Blackie said, clenching his entire body, "nopony-or abomination-could survive the power of Blackie's storm-force anal-confinement beam!"

"Watch out!" Machamp yelled, "His body is ready!"

Machamp managed to finally wiggle free of the hole he was in. He ran dramatically, like he was trying to save someone from being run over by a car. Machamp grabbed both ponies with all of four his arms, using his muscular back to shield them from the impending attack. The beam formed from his Chocolate Death Starfish, creating a fume so deadly it caused the nearby birds to explode twice! In that instant, it fired, burning and freezing the air at the same time.

Machamp took the brute force of the strike, a One-Hit-KO that even Sturdy couldn't negate... but sadly, Machamp wasn't pro enough to hack in that ability in the first place...

"Brahs, run!" he commanded, the grating low-health sound playing, even though he was at 0.

"You heard him, Twilight, let's get out of here!" Rainbow Dash said, dragging Twilight out of Machamp's limp arms.

"I... uh," she groggily said, "I thought you wanted to... fight Blackie...?"

"Are you _crazy_!? You saw what he did to what's-his-face!"

What's-his-face leaned up from the dirt just then, index finger lifted.

"It's... Machamp, brah..." he replied.

He immediately face-planted back into the soil, the Game Over music from Ocarina of Time playing softly in the background.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash both raised an eyebrow, dodging a few butt-bolts that lingered in the air. They scurried away then stopped in their tracks.

"Wait! What about Rarity?" Twilight asked.

"Don't worry, darling," Rarity said, rising up from a spot a yard away, "I am quite... what is that _foul_ odor!? Dearest Celestia...! I am beginning to feel... rather... lightheaded..."

She faints... you can't say you _didn't_ see that coming...

Twilight quickly ran to her friend's side, trying to lift her up. She frantically pulled the unconscious Rarity along with her, looking up at Rainbow Dash for some assistance.

"Rainbow Dash, you think you can lend me a hoof?" Twilight suggested, almost rhetorically.

"Oh she'll be fine, Twilight," Rainbow Dash replied, "we should be focusing on getting the heck-"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"Alright, alright, I'll help!"

The two ponies were able to take Rarity along with them, hearing Blackie in the sky nearby. The satisfaction was clear in his deranged yellow eyes. Blackie motioned over to Twilight's group and snickered.

"Going somewhere, mates?" he said, "It appears you have all failed-just like Machamp, bravo! Now... get rekt!"

Blackie used his broken horn to conjure a flamethrower from it. It consumed Rarity directly, freezing her and the helping hooves of her friends on her as well. They were a horizontal chain of ponies, unable to move decently. Blackie naturally laughed in response, louder than usually, but not quite to point of ear rape.

Rainbow Dash looked at the straight line that they had formed and got an idea.

"Psst, Twilight," she whispered, "I have an idea."

"What?" Twilight replied quietly.

"Use your magic to levitate us up,"

"If you think we can all escape without him noticing-"

"No, no, just lift us in the air!" she protested, "I'll take care of the rest."

Twilight sighed, and then nodded. She glanced up to see Blackie looking the opposite direction, still laughing his plot off like a hyena. Twilight veiled Rainbow Dash, the frozen Rarity, and herself with her magic. The group slowly rose, getting closer to Blackie's altitude.

"Are you _sure_ you know what you're doing?" Twilight asked softly, aware not to garner Blackie's attention.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got this," Rainbow Dash said, "just release your magic and you'll see."

With that, she released her hold. Rainbow Dash flapped her wings vigilantly, putting in the extra effort to keep the group airborne. She motioned in a small circle, gaining momentum in the chain she and her friends were frozen together in. Rainbow Dash managed to swing the whole group around like a makeshift club, and eventually took aim at Blackie.

"Hahaha... hehe... ho, it's been to long since my last laugh," he said, rubbing his eyes whilst turning to the ponies, "you have no idea what it's like to watch scrubs fail at life..."

In that moment, Rainbow Dash used the chain of her friends to crash themselves into Blackie, using the hardened Rarity as the contact point.

" _Oof_ , what in Sovngarde...!" Blackie flung away.

The impact broke the ice encasing Rarity, the shards of said ice piercing into Blackie's atrociously-colored flesh. Twilight and her friends, now free from their bindings, soon started falling to the ground. Rainbow Dash dove at them, barely able to catch Rarity. Twilight panicked, and she quickly used a teleportation spell to avoid becoming an adorable splat upon the earth.

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash shouted, letting the KO'd Rarity sink onto the cold ground, "If you could teleport like that, then why the heck didn't you use that in the first place!"

"Oh, I must have been too focused on everything else..." she meekly defended.

"Uh-huh, sure..."

Blackie rushed back to the sky, his neon mane and tail glowing with rage. He was picking the shards of his own magic ice out of his coat. It was clear that he was in some sort of pain, as he began panting.

"Ugh... why did you have to go... and make yourselves look like faggots...?" Blackie coughed, some of it blood, "You're lucky... scrubs... You're _really_ lucky that I have barely any healing powers..."

"Hmph, and here we thought only Machamp could hurt him, am I right?" Rainbow Dash muttered, nudging her friend.

"The only reason that hurt... _argh_... was because it was my magic!" Blackie rambled, "So... you still would have done... jack diddly squat! All I have to do know is absorb what's-his-face's energy... and-!"

" _And_ what, freeze us like you tried before?" Rainbow Dash bragged.

"Actually yes," Blackie added, freezing Rainbow Dash solid despite his weak state, "Heh... ha... oh, it hurts to laugh at noobs right now..."

"Rainbow Dash, you had to- _aah_!" Twilight mumbled before being solidified as well.

With Twilight and Rainbow Dash incapacitated, he moved to Rarity. He scanned her and rolled his eyes.

"Pfft, she'll just faint again from the fumes... better not waste my strength..." Blackie concluded, "It's about time I sap their so-called power..."

Blackie hovered back over to Machamp, who was still out cold. He levitated him off the ground, watching as his limp body float as elegantly as a ragdoll. As his preparations neared completion, he took Machamp off towards town hall.


	3. The Bruh, The OC, and Whatever Else

Machamp's senses started to regain themselves. He found himself in a large wooden structure, the roof seemingly torn away exposing the stormy sky.

"Oh bruhther, what I'd do for a Full Restore right about now... Huh? what the fu-!" Machamp stated, noticing his arms and other arms bound.

He realized he was on a queen-sized bed, velvet covers and pillows, and there were roses all over the sheets. Machamp tried to kick his way off the bed, but sadly he only had punching attacks... and the fact that both legs were roped to foot of the bed. Blackie soon stepped into view, wearing a neon green bath robe with matching slippers.

"G'day, faggot," Blackie greeted, less weak in appearance this time around, "you know, nothing beats taking a dip in a tub full o' Mountain Dew, and the glorious feeling of Dorito-Soap against my-"

"I get the picture, bruh..." Machamp interrupted, "So... what have you done with the blue, purple, and white next-gen Pokémon?"

"First of all, don't cut me off. Second, they're _probably_ dead by now... but that's not any concern of mine. What _is_ my concern is getting some of that sweet ass... s- _strength_! Sweet ass strength, yes, that's what I meant... hehe!"

Blackie stepped over to a record player, materializing a record out of icy flame.

"Let's set the mood, shall we, mate?" Blackie snickered.

When the needle made contact with the record, Machamp knew what was about to happen.

"Don't you dare, bro!" he pleaded, "Careless Whisper is not even fitting!"

Blackie used his magic to turn Machamp over onto his chest, rear end lifted. From the new position, Machamp looked around to see that the bed was in the middle of the destroyed town hall. A chilling draft blew by, coming from the intact entrance door.

"Sorry, mate, this is the part where I regain my powers," Blackie explained.

"Bruh, what the _fuck_ are you talking about?" Machamp questioned.

"I need to siphon your energy using my shaft, absorbing it all through my urethra," he continued, much to the broken innocence of Machamp, "I'll have to use an ancient technique to secure that power..."

"TMI, bro! Also, bruh, if you even attempt to do that, I'll-!"

Machamp stuttered, as his only article of clothing began to shift down his legs. His eyes grew wide in horror as the cold air tickled his... uh, never mind...

"Suprise... Buttsecks!" Blackie announced shoving his rod into Machamp's bowels.

The town hall was quiet, save for the record and Machamp's agonizing cries of pain. As Blackie kept spamming the move Pound, it sapped his victim's energy one painful ounce at a time. Machamp was on the verge of fainting again, giving in to the anal assault.

Soon, there came the sound of a deep breathing noise. It emitted from just outside the entrance to the hall.

"Oh, shit!" Blackie exclaimed, momentarily halting his actions, "Vader's here!? Crap, I don't have the money I owe him..."

"Uh... w-what...?" Machamp coughed.

"See, I borrowed the schematics for the Death Star," he awkwardly spoke, "my Final Smash had to of come from _somewhere_ , you know..."

The door was suddenly kicked open, revealing a figure of a pony. The breathing became louder, causing Blackie to retract his rod and turn off the record player.

"Alright you _beast_ ," the muffled voice came, "I can tolerate your actions no more! And might I add... Oh dear, what in Equestria is happening _here_!?"

It was obvious to Machamp that the voice was Rarity's, and unfortunately, Blackie noticed as well. She was wearing some sort of hazard suit, her entire body covered.

"Will you plz stahp!?" Blackie shouted, "Every time one of you wankers gets pwned, another just _has_ to arrive!"

With Blackie distracted, Machamp desperately tried to unbind himself, starting to gain his energy back. Luckily, one of his arms was stronger than the other three, and he snapped the cheap rope bindings. He pulled back up his article of clothing, shivering with disgust as to what had just happened down there. Quickly, he leapt forward at Blackie, holding him by the face and neck.

"Ugh, you'd better release me, asshole!" He responded.

"Bruh, I'm damn well tired of you, so shut up faggot, or I'll break your spine!" Machamp ordered.

"How about no?"

The abominable OC teleported away, to which Machamp should have seen coming. Blackie reappeared in the air, using his magic to rain down burning snowflakes. Then his attacks began to slow down, then speed up, and finally froze in time altogether.

"What the hell?" Blackie said, "No, not now!"

"Ha, bruh, haven't you ever seen lag before?"

"How did you-"

"I opened up the console commands when I freed myself, bro," Machamp explained, "you forced my hand when you... you know... and now you'll suffer from my glorious hax, bruh!"

His attacks were operating at a pitiful 5 frames-per-second, and it started to get lower by the minute. Soon, it was on par to watching a PowerPoint presentation of his attacks.

"Gah... wh-the... la... ag... shi-!" Blackie speeched, lagging in sky.

"Bruh, do you even Engrish?"

The atrocious menace spun around in place, then wandered in a "T" pose and clipped halfway into a wall. Rarity, who had the misfortune to view all of this, simply stood in place with an eyebrow raised-not like anypony could see it anyways.

Machamp ran over to the wall Blackie was clipped in and grabbed him by the foreleg, pulling him out. He had him in the position from earlier, about to snap his neck like Bane... or maybe Solid Snake, not sure really... Machamp put a literal ton of force and cracked his neck, which made a sound similar to crunching chips.

Blackie gasped, and then collapsed glitchily into the ground.

"Well, brah," Machamp addressed Rarity, "that takes care of _him_."

"Um, well... I suppose it did..." she muttered, remembering the brutal neck-snapping part.

Then came a laugh, a familiar one. One so obnoxious and snort-filled, it had to be Blackie's!

"Pfft, did you even think that would've worked against me!" Blackie's voice boomed, "Mates, you haven't even _seen_ my final form!"

The Alicorn emerged from the floor in dramatic fashion like awakened Dragon Priest. His new and powerful form looked exactly like his old one... but instead of red and black, he was black and red! Also, his mane became pure white... just saying.

"That certainly is quite the change in appearance," Rarity commented, "though it still remains to be horribly atrocious, not to mention a complete palette swap..."

Rarity removed the helmet portion of her suit, her mane still styled and undisturbed for unknown reasons. She brought out a green potion bottle, to which Machamp recognized and later raised an eyebrow at.

"Darling, I believe you'll be needing this," she tossed the bottle, smacking Blackie in the face, "and I _believe_ you said it yourself, what was it now? Ah, 'it's good for treating burns', am I correct?

Enraged, Blackie's face twisted in on itself. Machamp gave the best impression of The King's laugh from the CD-I Zelda games, minus the chalice and the sheer retarded-ness... actually, no wait, yeah he had the retarded-ness of it. Blackie drew in the remains of his lagging snowflakes into his horn-hole. He conjured a laser-sword-horn from it, and pointed it at Rarity.

"Mate, I don't take shit from ponies, let alone 12-year-old squeekers!" Blackie ranted idiotically, "Prepare your delicate plot, marshmallow, 'cause it's about to get rekt!"

Blackie lunged at Rarity, the butthurt aflame in his twisted eyes. Machamp cut in, sucker punching him in the side of the face. After he flew and got clipped into another wall, Machamp gave a shrugging stance.

"It's no use!" Machamp bragged, "Am I 2fast4u, bro?"

"Enough fooling around, faggots!" Blackie proclaimed, "It's about time I use my other abilities... and no, they aren't related to my fiery thunder snowstorm attacks!"

Instantaneously, Blackie gibbed, and his ketchup-blood pieces scattered about the hall. The low-res chunks grew into separate pony entities, with Blackie's head remaking the original Alicorn. They were all OCs, each with their own awfulness. It was as if these horrid creations emerged from the hellish randomize button from Generalzoi's Pony Creator... Many seemed to have a rash that appeared quite uncomfortable, along with antlered monstrosities.

Rarity cringed at their appearance, trying very hard not to stare at them. She reached for her helmet, although in vain as it despawned. They crept toward her position, giving lustful smirks and gestures.

"Ooh, hey there, beautiful," one greeted in a menacing tone, "I'd love to be shipped with you alright... hehe!"

"Gross, gross, get away you _thing_!" Rarity shouted out, "You all are so appalling, shoo!"

They tried grabbing at her mane and tail, passing by Machamp who was confused at all of this shit. Rarity fended them off as best as she could, hesitantly striking each one with her hooves. Blackie watched in glee, but soon found his OCs actions to be boring at worst and mildly annoying at best.

"Don't worry, brah, I've got this!" Machamp called out.

Machamp used Bullet Punch to send the OC scrubs into the air dramatically. He had an odd idea, watching the helpless creatures flail in the air. With swiftness, he Dynamic Punch'd each OC in the plot with each free hand. It was so powerful, that the fists went up their plots and out their mouths. Machamp now had a set of OC gauntlets on each arm, noticing the hollowness of the OC bodies... as if they had no soul, let alone personality...

Realizing the failures of his spawn, Blackie threw one of the remaining OCs at Machamp in frustration. The pony flew directly into Machamp's grip, all four of his arms grasping the poor OC. A bead of sweat glided down his face as he stared into Machamp's merciless eyes.

"So, um... I heard you like Buttsecks?" He meekly taunted.

"No, bruh, what I _like_ is tearing trolling faggots in half!"

"What-no!"

With that, he used all four arms to easily rip the pony's limbs off from his torso, immediately gibbing him into bits. Machamp ran directly towards Blackie, knocking aside any bad OCs that stood in his way with his pony-gauntlets. He clenched his fists, feeling the teeth scrape against his wrist. Machamp even managed to partially impale his OC foes with the Unicorn OC he had on his lower right arm.

"Piss off I say!" Blackie commanded, a beam sword emerging from his horn.

Blackie swung at Machamp, managing to cut him slightly at a pathetic 1 damage each sweep. He was bashed with the Pokémon's OC bracers, staggering him back. If Machamp had the Savage Strike perk, he could have performed a decapitation... but alas, his One-Handed skill was only at 49... and he didn't even have a sword to begin with. Instead, Machamp Bullet Punch'd him in the redwood, getting a 30x critical crotch-shot damage. Much to his surprise, Blackie was considered an Essential NPC and couldn't be killed until the story demanded it.

"Hmph, mate, I suggest you back off," Blackie rambled, "I will... uh, use my _other_ powers! They're so original, that... uh... you'd never be able to tell what they are!"

Blackie sent a shockwave of fiery ice-ness at Machamp, much to the false implications of his statement. They stunk of body odor and lonely afternoons, causing the OC bracers Machamp had to melt like ice cream on a hot day. The gelatinous remains of the OCs puddled on the hard wood floor of town hall, the lack of any bones painfully obvious.

Machamp turned to Rarity for assistance, but only saw the hall's doors open. He couldn't believe she had bailed out on him at this moment... nah, he _totally_ called it. Machamp quadruple face-palmed, not at Rarity's actions but because the author actually used the word "totally". Covering his face, he slipped on the remains of the OCs and fell face first into the puddle.

"I'll just place this here..." Blackie said, setting a wet floor sign next to the collapsed Pokémon.

Machamp began to... sink? The watery death puddle consumed his body, essentially meaning he magically passed through the floor. A message displayed in the lower left corner of the screen: "Machamp fell out of the world".

"Well, the moment has passed, back to work!" Blackie shrugged, changing back into to his not-so original form.

He strode over to the entrance of the hall, looking left then right then left again. Blackie scanned for the white Unicorn that had made his face twist in on itself. Suddenly there was a gurgling noise, and Blackie felt a metallic object pierce his side. Blackie was yanked across the room, the object having a long chain attached to it.

"Damnit, can't you canonically die already?" Blackie yelled.

"Nope, bruh," a voice called out.

If you weren't able to tell who it was by now, you're probably just skimming, to which I say: "That's a bigger waste of time than me actually writing half of this shit."

Machamp stepped from the liquidated OC pond, his appearance changed un-dramatically. In one hand he held the Hookshot, said device that also grabbed Blackie by the flesh. Within his other hands lay the Levin Sword, an X Attack, and lastly a green boxing glove. Atop his head was an Iron Helmet, upside-down horns signifying the Elder Scroll-ness.

"That's impossible!" Blackie cried, "How can a faggot like you have all of those!?"

"Bruh, I've just done the incomprehensible," Machamp replied, the impending monologue now upon us, "After falling out of existence, I alone hacked my way into hundreds of games! Okay, not really... but I managed to get all of this shit, bro! Also, bruh, with my lifting powers and newfound Dragon Shouts, you'd might as well bind 'p' to explode!"

"Y-you hax-worshipping bastard! That sounds... really fucking stupid..." Blackie realized, "Pfft, I'll just change forms, dumbass!"

" _BRUH_!" Machamp shouted, the taste of his voice lingering in his mouth... "Mmm, Pecha Berries..."

The force of his shout dislodged Blackie from the Hookshot and flung him out of town hall. A mushroom cloud of steamy flame erupted from his landing, likely causing more collateral damage. Machamp rushed after him, swinging and grappling with the Hookshot to his location.

He saw the ice on the roads slowly thaw, though the townsfolk still could never truly comprehend what had bestowed itself upon them. Machamp could see the crater Blackie had made up ahead, which was located in the already-destroyed Hayburger site.

" _Great_ , now what!?" Rainbow's voice came from nearby, "Come on out, Blackie, and let's settle this here and now!"

As convenient as it was, the heat from the impact fully melted the icy ponies in the area. Among them, Rainbow Dash scurried around trying to locate Blackie. She saw his outline in the crater, apparently unconscious.

Machamp leapt into the scene, watching the blue Pegasus charge after the hideous Alicorn. He pointed the Levin Sword in her direction, sending a bolt to warn her away from Blackie.

"What'd you do _that_ for?" she demanded.

"Brah, there's no way in hell you can defeat him," Machamp explained, "I'll handle him, go find the purple one. Pray to Arceus that I return, brah!"

With that, Machamp leapt down into the cavity, sliding down the edges to reach his foe. Rainbow Dash scratched her head to what he had said.

"Are-see what now...?" she mumbled.

"Ugh, R-Rainbow Dash..." Twilight's voice faintly said, emerging from a small debris pile, "is all of this craziness finally over already?"

"Um, what do _you_ think?" she replied, "Also, that four-armed guy said that there's no way we can defeat Blackie, pfft..."

Twilight groaned at the response, knowing the events that ravaged Ponyville were still unfolding. She trotted over to the side of the indentation, peering down at the two alien beings engaged in combat. Twilight rolled her eyes and walked back towards her friend.

"Are you sure there's absolutely _nothing_ we can do?" Twilight asked.

Rainbow Dash shrugged, losing some of the determination from earlier. Due to prolonged exposure to being frozen today, she didn't feel as head-strong.

"Fine... I _guess_ we'll just wait until the issue resolves itself..." Twilight muttered.

Back in the crater, Blackie had revived himself from being pwned. Machamp shot the Hookshot at him, to which he dodged and grabbed the chain.

"Not today, wanker!" Blackie said.

He yanked on the chain pulling Machamp to him. Quickly, Machamp readied the boxing glove. A bell chimed and the phrase "K.O." flashed above his head. He performed an uppercut powerful enough to send him off screen. In the air, Blackie shot lightning at him.

"Lul, bruh, you fell right for it!" Machamp announced, lifting the Levin Sword skyward.

The attack was absorbed into the blade and Blackie was visibly pissed. Being an angry little noob, Blackie lunged directly at his position. Before he could figure out he was baited, he was once again grabbed by the Hookshot. Machamp stuck the plastic X Attack container in his mouth, crunching the stat booster up. He felt the power surge through his body as well as the plastic shards slowly slide down his throat.

"Crap, I-I demand we start over, mate," Blackie pleaded, his body stuck to the Hookshot, "I can give you something-yes! I know, how about all the TMs in existence!?"

"Bruh, you've taken something so precious to me, that it's irreplaceable!" he replied.

"Pfft, like what?"

"My virginity, bro!"

Machamp used Focus Punch, the Power Herb he hid up his bowels activating it instantly. All of his energy knocked Blackie into the earth. He was pushed so hard through the dirt that he exploded into particles.

"Well, that was anti-climactic... and rushed," Machamp spoke.

Blackie was dead, no seriously. Machamp stared down the hole the Alicorn was punched down, the bottom seemingly miles deep.

"Please tell me it's over," Twilight stated.

"No, brah..." Machamp continued, "as long as unoriginality exists in the world, there will be countless more abominations, all worse than him."

"Really!?" Rainbow Dash shouted, "You're telling me that all of this was pretty much pointless!"

"Not entirely, brah... Blackie arrived because someone, no somepony...? They did the unthinkable beforehand-hoof? How do you brahs speak like this?"

"Never mind that, _who_ did _what!_?" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"It was a pony by the name of Written Script... he... oh sweet Arceus..." Machamp concentrated, using his newfound and OP psychic abilities... no, just kidding, that was just the indigestion he had from swallowing the plastic X Attack bottle...

"Spit it out already!"

"He wrote a fanfic..."

"You're not serious, are you?" Twilight broke in, "How in Equestria can somepony's writing bring something like Blackie into existence?"

"Because it was _that_ bad..." Machamp explained, albeit vaguely, "a piece of writing so lazy, so clichéd, that it broke the fabric of reality, brahs!"

"Um, okay?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"I have the solution, though, brahs!" he claimed, walking back to the spot he spawned in from, "You don't know how lucky I was to be buried with this."

Machamp used Dig on the patch of dirt he was on. Rainbow Dash and Twilight stood by, watching him somewhat suspiciously.

"Aha, found it, brahs!"

"What?" Twilight asked, peering into the hole he dug.

"I call it the Reset Nuke, brahs!"

"And what does _that_ do, exactly?"

"It destroys the entirety of this world, and-"

"Excuse me, but it will _destroy_ all of Equestria!?" Twilight shouted, her horn glowing in aggressive anticipation.

" _And_ , and completely restore it to a point some time before the fabric of reality was torn!"

"No, no, we can probably fix this ourselves," Twilight concluded, "we just need to gather the rest of our friends, and Princess Celestia, and maybe every construction pony in the world and-"

"Screw it, brahs..." Machamp interrupted, slamming down onto the bomb with every available weapon.

"What have you done!?" Twilight panicked.

Everything turned a pale yellow, and then white as the explosion engulfed Poniville in moments. There was no fire or pain, just blinding radiance all around.

"Just remember, brahs," Machamp reminded, his voice trailing off, "stop Written Script from making the fanfic!

***  
In the end, Ponyville was k and Written Script mysteriously fall up the stair and dead, totally an accident. Blackie never existed ever... neither do Machamp and story over...


End file.
